yes that's my name in black and white!

yes that's my name in black and white
maybe i'm doing something right
i feel so much better
than before

so all of the early mornings, overcrowded auditions, email submissions, hard copy submissions, postcards, thank you notes, headshot trimming, resume stapling, dress shopping, rehearsing, and basically endless work finally pays off.

in july, i will be making my off-broadway debut as the meg/teddy understudy in "the bully" produced by vital theatre company at the bleecker st theatre.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

no, it's not a lot of money. and yes, i'm just the understudy. and it is only children's theatre. but it is a theatre company that i have been dying to be a part of since i graduated. and i love children's theatre. and it's a show. and a credit. and it is off-broadway.

so, yeah, i'm pretty thrilled.

my favorite part of this story is when i auditioned for this show about 2 weeks ago, i was absolutely heartbroken because i thought i gave a great audition, but i failed to get a callback. it was pretty much the catalyst for a pretty bad week. turns out, the meg character was already cast, they were just looking for an understudy, and they cast straight from the initial audition. and they cast me.

i can finally breathe again. it's such a relief, to know that
yes, people like me,
yes, i am good, and
yes, this is what i'm supposed to be doing.
i know that i should be certain of those things no matter what, and i usually am, but after working steadily for a year, then having a year of "almost", you start to second guess yourself. who wouldn't? it's just a question of hanging in there until the next job, until your next validation.

and when it comes, it is sooo good.

i am so much better than before.

you pull me closer to love

so i came home to jersey this weekend for a wedding on saturday. i ended up staying until . . . well, i'm still here, i just have to get back to the city tomorrow/later this morning for tutoring at 12. i guess i took a mini vacation, full of family and dancing and food and a wedding and movies and snuggling and ice cream and parks and beautiful weather and hippie clothes. i can't lie, it feels really great to escape responsibility for a few days.

i spent time with some of my favorite people, notably, my martha-stewart-for-hippies-partner-in-crime-and-spur-of-the-moment-adventures, stacey. today, we sorted through some of her old clothes, went to the park to swing on the swings, walked to my parents' house, took "my" car to get bubble tea, moved some more stuff out of her apartment at rutgers, and had hummus for dinner at a mediterranean restaurant. in the midst all of this, she told me that she was planning on moving to new orleans in the very near future. to possibly move into an artist compound/boarding house. to get a part time job and write and "just live." and of course, the selfish part of me immediately hates that. new orleans is so far and i am so poor. when will i see her? how can i replace her? who will go anywhere with me at the drop of a hat? who will go to the park just because it's nice out and swing on the swings wearing long hippie skirts? who will run 5ks with me just cuz? what will i do without my best friend of 15 (almost 16) years?

but the other part knows that she should go. i did. and yes, new york is close, but it's not always the easiest/cheapest to get to, either. new york is way different then down the street, like i was just a year ago. and i came here to follow my dream. so few people that i know really do that. jump headfirst into something really scary, and then keep pushing through after the first jump. it thrills me when i know people who go after something with every inch of their being, without a stitch of fear. it makes me less alone. so who better than to join me in that push than my best friend? even if she lives in new orleans, at least we'll be fighting the same good fight.

tutoring ends in june. i should be scared that very soon, i may be totally unemployed. again. with little to no savings to speak of. but stacey's decision has imbued me with a renewed sense of fearlessness and trust. if she is going to up and move to a whole new town with no job to speak of, what do i have to be worried about? in fact, i am actually excited for tutoring to be over. i am thrilled with the promise of a new job. one that may be a little less time consuming, so i can use more of that time on my art and my craft. maybe one that pays a little better, so i can afford classes and ::gasp:: the dreaded sag membership. maybe even one that doesn't require so much of a mental effort, so i won't pass out exhausted every night.

i know god won't leave me out in the cold. jobs end because there is something amazing right around the corner. and right now, at the end of my mini memorial day vacation, i'm pretty cool with that.
cause you're all that i've waited for all of my life

quiet

i feel like my spirit has become so much more subdued than i ever was. or maybe i'm just too exhausted by my career to be anything but subdued in all the other aspect of my life. but no matter what it is, i just can't handle environments that i used to thrive in. and it's not even in a bad way. i just feel overwhelmed and maybe a little bit lost. i feel like i don't fit anymore, like i can't keep up with this whirlwind of mini-events. or maybe i never did, never could, and i just don't have the energy to shove a square peg in a round hole anymore. so i wash the dishes instead of playing beer pong. or maybe i skip the beer pong because of my audition the next day. or maybe cuz i never really liked beer pong, anyway.

i don't really know. i don't really know why i do anything, really. career? maturity? boredom? lack of confidence? loneliness? all i really know is that for two days my head has ached, today my eyes were swollen, and i can barely put together a thought.

i've been up to my ears in auditions. great auditions, where the auditors are visibly and audibly impressed, groove along to my singing, dance me 3 times, and ask me a million questions about myself and my abilities. up to my ears in great auditions, but definitely not up to my ears in callbacks. no callbacks. and i know it's not always about me. it could be my look or my hair or the 30 different girls who auditioned after me. but no callbacks on top of a 2 day headache and swollen eyes is a lot. a lot. so maybe that's why i prefer the quiet, at least today. who knows.

but tomorrow, i'll pull out the dress, and the headshot, and the song book, and try again.

because that's me.

and i do know that i'm damn good at that.

and when it's done we will walk where the road meets the sun

things i could have done yesterday (what was practically a whole day off, the first in a very long time)

• work out
• clean my room
• laundry
• submissions
• submissions
• submissions
• follow up/thank you cards
• email and update street team
  
• sing
  
• blog
• bring show postcards to susan
• crash susan's meeting with amanda
  
• fix my computer's CD drive
  
• buy my new camera
• audition for godspell in jersey
• watch grey's anatomy season finale
  
• bemoan my love life

what i actually did with the first free day i've had in weeks

• sang (a little)
• brought postcards to susan (at the last minute)
• crashed meeting so i could see amanda one more time before she went back on tour = (
• bemoaned my love life. a lot.
  
• auditioned for godspell in jersey
• watch grey's. (but not until late at night)
• ate a lot of candy.
  

so maybe i wasted what could have been a very productive day. but with this go-go-go, there's some days, you just need to let your brain rot a little. and breathe in deep. just to let the disappointment that's clenched in your stomach loosen and fade.

i've decided i'm a song. and the only people who know all the right words and key changes are the ones who aren't quite ready for an album.

don’t disappear
(darlin’ i want you)
don’t leave me here
(and when the day comes)
i’ll meet you here
‘cause i know that wishes come true
i’m finding my way back to you

and if grey's wasn't enough for you, here's what i thought was the most depressing/beautiful song of the finale.

KATIE HERZIG & MATTHEW PERRYMAN JONES "WHERE THE ROAD MEETS THE SUN" (LIVE) from SITUATION OPERATION on Vimeo.

hooked up

here i am, at bumble and bumble university on monday. i am now a class model, and in this picture i am waiting for my free haircut. free. please check out the awesome view in the reflection.

interesting audition experience today. planned to roll out of bed, sign in to audition for the radio city christmas spectacular, go home, workout, dress, and be at the audition for the 1:00 start time. i arrived at radio city at 6:30. i waited until 9 to be let into the building, only to be told that they were not using any kind of list, and just taking whoever was there at the time, even though girls weren't supposed to start until 1.

great. so here i am, fricking number 4 in line, with no music, no dress, and dirty hair. i went home, changed, and went back to radio city. got back in line. i was not happy. i waited for another 3 hours. outside.

but this time, i would prevail.

when we were let back into radio city, i already had a copy of the audition form we were to fill out. on my form that i had picked up at 9:00 that morning was the number 14. a much, much lower number than the 200's they were passing out to the other girls. i ended up being the fourth girl seen when they started the 1:00 call.

so, no callback. but that's ok. i had a great audition, partly because i was so thrilled that through all that, i managed to hold onto number 4.

dear sean,

there is a subway musician that i'm pretty much obsessed with. usually, when a musician gets on the train, i do the new yorker thing and keep my eyes down, even if i do plan on giving money. i just don't want the extra attention. but this guy, he plays, and i just stare the whole time. maybe because he never makes eye contact with anyone on the train, either. even when people compliment him and try to ask him questions, he avoids conversation. barely even looks up.

i see him once a week, on average. he plays a guitar that is held together with packing tape, sings, and wears a harmonica that i've never heard him play. his jeans are ripped, and is always dressed the tiniest bit too warm for the weather. his songs of choice are usually from the beatles. here comes the sun or blackbird. felicia always wonders why he's not famous. i wonder why he always plays blackbird on the days i'm already feeling sad.

and on tuesday, april 28, 2009, i didn't quite remember what day it was. i was rushing to work, late, of course, and he got on my train. this time, he didn't play blackbird. he played "let it be." this change made my eyes well, but it wasn't until i got off the train, ran up the stairs, and stepped into the blinding sun that i really remembered what day it was. it was two years since you had died. and 1 year and 360 days since they played "let it be" at your funeral, as per your request.

i stare at this subway musician because you're my blackbird, and he never fails to remind me of you. thanks for always being with us.

.42807seanhanna.

and when the night is cloudy
there is still a light that shines on me
shine on til tomorrow
let it be

sabbath

and on the seventh day, she rested. kind of.

absolutely gorgeous day today. beautiful sundays are why i love being a new yorker. i woke up early, ran in the park wearing shorts(!), went to church, had brunch with felicia and jackie, stopped into davenport to pick up a massive box of flyers, and had ice cream with jackie in central park.

then this evening, i was in a show. it went . . . well, there were no major disasters, which makes me happy. i've been rehearsing this show for a month or so now, and we opened today. unfortunately, i feel like we're still a little under-rehearsed, and i also fear that it's one of those shows that no one will "get." so i've declined to invite people, industry or friends. it's a little frustrating, because i agreed to do the show so that i could invite all the great industry contacts that i've recently made with susan. but i hear from agents all the time "don't invite me to your weird-o artsy show that no one will understand." so to avoid being that weird-o avant garde actor i always swore i wouldn't be, i'm trying to do this show in secret.

shhhh.

p.s. i consider today a day of rest because i had no tutoring. even though i went to the davenport office in the afternoon and did a show at night. but hey, at least i didn't have to ride the train all the way out to queens and teach algebra that i barely understand myself.